With the coming of age of the baby boomer generation the awareness and focus on care giving for a family member suffering from Alzheimer’s seems to have shifted from spouses caring for each other to children caring for aging parents.

It is very important for us to focus on the inherent differences in these two kinds of caregiving experiences.

PARENTS. This relationship by its very nature has the potential for disaster. No matter the age of the son or daughter, in the eyes of parents they are always “children” with the “father knows best” perspective. We have all had the experience of attempting to offer advice to our “normal” parents as they age, from suggesting that they might consider moving to a retirement community to encouraging them to put their affairs in order. Imagine this scenario as one attempts intervention in the care for an aging parent with early stage Alzheimer’s Disease. “I think we should have Mom evaluated because of her obvious memory loss” might elicit a response from Dad, “Mom has a wonderful memory, she’s just a little depressed, and that’s all.” Denial is a major factor for caregivers. Juggling family responsibilities and a parent with Alzheimer’s is asking a son or daughter to accomplish the almost impossible. The repercussions on the individual care giver and his or her family can be devastating.

SPOUSES. Those of us who have been care givers for our husbands or wives will unanimously agree that experiencing the loss of our marriages, our deep friendships, and our years of being there for each other is the most crushing experience next to losing a child that we have ever faced. We cope with the exhausting job of care giving during a time in our lives when we are aging ourselves. Grief and guilt are two emotions that tend to tear us apart.
Facing the realization that we alone cannot provide needed care for our loved one evokes feelings of guilt and evokes a feeling of reluctance to have others care for our loved one. Financially, we may be facing a financial tsunami. To be witness to our loved one as they disappear before our eyes is as cruel a punishment as anyone could impose.

For both groups of caregivers, community support groups or on line chat rooms provide invaluable emotional assistance.

Suggested reading: Finding Joy in Alzheimer’s: When Tears are Dried with Laughter by Brenda Avadian

-Kathleen Ryan